Why feel so lonely when you know that you have me?

Why feel so insecure? Why feel so low?

Why feel like you are nothing?  I want to let you know,

You are beautiful and I mean it when I say,

I can’t imagine you in any other way,

You are wonderful and I think that you should know,

The you that you are now has a long way to go,

But you won’t stay broken.

The pieces of your shattered world will be picked up,

And the loneliness inside will be filled up like a cup,

The road is long, the journey tough, but you have what it takes,

And someday you’ll see your life’s about more than your mistakes,

You are beautiful and I mean it when I say,

I can’t imagine you in any other way,

You are wonderful and I think that you should know,

The you that you are now has a long way to go,

But you won’t stay broken.

I know where you are because I have been there, too,

And I know that I am not as strong as you,

So I know that where you are is just a step along the way,

And you will grow to who you want to be someday,

But you won’t stay broken,

You won’t be in pieces on the floor,

You won’t stay broken,

You aren’t alone anymore,

You won’t stay broken,

You won’t stay broken,

You are beautiful and I mean it when I say,

I can’t imagine you in any other way,

You are wonderful and I think that you should know,

The you that you are now has a long way to go,

But you won’t stay broken.

White Castle Queen

When I walked through the door and I saw your face,

I wondered why you were at this place,

Because there’s no way such beauty should be here,

White Castle should not employ a maiden so dear,

I knew when I saw you that you were my queen,

And we’d rule this White Castle, with walls squeaky clean,

My love runs like sliders all through me,

And I know that someday you will see,

That you were eternally meant to be,

My fairest and dearest White Castle Queen!

I approached the counter and you approached my heart,

You asked me what I wanted with your voice of pure art,

I wanted to say that all I wanted was you,

But instead I said a crave case and some fries will do,

I knew when I saw you that you were my queen,

And we’d rule this White Castle, with walls squeaky clean,

My love runs like sliders all through me,

And I know that someday you will see,

That you were eternally meant to be,

My fairest and dearest White Castle Queen!

You gave me my change, I gave you my heart,

Then I left the counter, though wary to part,

And as I sat down you caught my eye,

I viewed what unfolded and started to cry,

A man walked in and you knew him by name,

He kissed you tenderly, you felt no shame,

I felt our relationship may have reached an end,

For it seemed as though you had a boyfriend,

I knew when I saw you that you were my queen,

And we’d rule this White Castle, with walls squeaky clean,

My love runs like sliders all through me,

And I know that someday you will see,

That you were eternally meant to be,

My fairest and dearest White Castle Queen!

This isn’t over, not by a long shot,

I can’t give up ’cause you are so hot,

A feeling this strong can’t be a mistake,

Can I get your number and a milkshake?

I knew when I saw you that you were my queen,

And we’d rule this White Castle, with walls squeaky clean,

My love runs like sliders all through me,

And I know that someday you will see,

That you were eternally meant to be,

My fairest and dearest White Castle Queen!

And what did they do?

I would walk a million miles,

To bring it back to you.

I’ll do anything I can,

I’ll be your number one fan,

I’ll find it someway, somehow,

And I’ll go get it right now,

Show me your smile,

If only for a while,

Show me your smile,

This frown is something new,

Show me your smile,

It’s my favorite part of you.

Whoever stole your smile,

Didn’t know what they were doing,

They took from the world,

The greatest thing for viewing,

Show me your smile,

If only for a while,

Show me your smile,

This frown is something new,

Show me your smile,

It’s my favorite part of you.

I miss your smile,

I haven’t seen it for a while,

I miss your joy,

All because of that stupid boy,

Show me your smile,

If only for a while,

Show me your smile,

This frown is something new,

Show me your smile,

It’s my favorite part of you.

I stand here alone, so alone,

I’m lost right here to my chagrin,

I am so very far from home,

Alone I fight the loneliness,

I say I’m fine, but I’m a mess,

I feign strength like someone has to,

To me my act is far from new,

While my world crumbles, all falls down,

I stand alone, don’t even frown,

Everything is coming unfurled,

Crown me king of my shattered world.

The sun sets now and once again,

I’m standing so very alone,

Though I don’t know where I have been,

I’m still so very far from home,

Alone I fight the loneliness,

I say I’m fine, but I’m a mess,

I feign strength like someone has to,

To me my act is far from new,

While my world crumbles, all falls down,

I stand alone, don’t even frown,

Everything is coming unfurled,

Crown me king of my shattered world.

Nothing is ever what it seems,

The purest white is not that clean,

The porcelain breaks and it falls,

Around the pretty China dolls,

Alone I fight the loneliness,

I say I’m fine, but I’m a mess,

I feign strength like someone has to,

To me my act is far from new,

While my world crumbles, all falls down,

I stand alone, don’t even frown,

Everything is coming unfurled,

Crown me king of my shattered world.

Eveline

With that he left her apartment.  It happened again.  It seemed to happen all too often recently: Another fight.  It seemed to be a more common thing than it used to be.  They would work through it, though.  It would all be okay in the end.  Frank just needs time to clear his mind.  He just needs to get away for a while.

That’s when he is truly thankful for the second most beautiful thing in his life.  His 2009 Porsche 911 GT2 is, next to Eveline, the most beautiful thing he has.  Its curves and lines, the beautiful Alcantara leather interior, the leather covered, integrated roll cage, and the twin-turbo flat-six are beautiful.  The air ducts and inlets, the elliptical headlights and all of the aesthetics of this car rival the beauty of his most precious Eveline.  Oh, Eveline! She is beautiful.  Her hair is short, about shoulder length, and so soft and brilliantly lustrous.  Her eyes change in color depending on what she wears, and range from a serious and mesmerizing gray to a more light-hearted gray-green to full fledged bright, playful green.  Her nose and mouth fit perfectly with those eyes and the rest of her figure is equally attractive. Attractive enough to attain the attention of many different men, but she is wholly Frank’s.  He loves her so much; he can hardly stand it.  That is partly why he can’t deal with being upset with her.  That and he cannot take it when she is upset.  How could he do that to her?  How could he make her feel that way?  And yet, how can she not see the point he is trying to make?  How can she be so stubborn?

Nevertheless, he loves her more than he can handle.  He cannot imagine himself with anyone else.  He just needs to clear his mind.  So he goes to the second best thing in his life: His car.  He has used his car as an escape before.  Whenever he is troubled, he can depend on his Porsche to help him forget his problem and it has never forsaken him.  Right now, that is exactly what he needs.  He walks down her front steps and unlocks the door.  He enters the car and rests in the bucket seat a minute, taking a deep breath, then inserts the key into the ignition on the left of the steering wheel, a classic Porsche trait, and turns it on.  The flat-six engine roars to life and the sound is invigorating, but thoughts of Eveline and the fight still run rampantly through his mind.  He buckles up, and puts the car in reverse to back out of her driveway, puts it in first and then drives away, heading home.  But he still needs to clear his mind.  He takes the most familiar route and begins his trip.  Thoughts of Eveline persist.  He accelerates.  The speedometer climbs: Seventy, eighty, ninety, one hundred, one-ten, one-twenty.  It’s exhilarating and his mind begins to clear, but some thoughts of Eveline remain.

He is beginning to become one with the car.  He merely needs to think it and the inches to the left.  Another thought and it inches back right.  He puts his right foot closer to the floor and the car pulls harder.  He lets up and it pulls less.  He has no intention of letting up.  He is in total control.  It seems like this is the only thing he has control of these days.  Everything else is slipping away.  It will get better, though.  He knows it.

He continues accelerating to almost one-fifty.  He’s never taken it past that before: Never been over one hundred and fifty miles per hour.  He’s always been too chicken.  The car has a top speed of two-o-four, but he’s never been past one fifty.  One fifty isn’t enough today.  He needs more.  His mind is clinging to thoughts of Eveline, and thoughts of the fight.  The engine whines behind him and he approaches even higher speeds.  “I’m going to break two hundred,” he thinks, “I’m going for it.”  He keeps going.  The scenery rushes by him too quickly for him to appreciate its beauty, but he’s seen it all before.  The fields mean nothing to him.  He’s seen them all his life.  The wildflowers in the ditch next to him just remind him of Eveline’s beauty.  There is nothing there of interest to him now.  There is nothing except the car and the road.  All he sees is what lies directly in front of him.  The long, straight stretch of road has his undivided attention.  Finally, Eveline is off his mind.  There is nothing.  There is no one.  Just Frank, the car, and the road.  His mind is completely consumed in this moment.  One-eighty.  One-ninety.  One-ninety eight.  One ninety-nine.

And then his phone rings.  He recognizes the song by Lifehouse.  It’s “Hanging by a Moment.”  It’s Eveline.  He doesn’t know what to do.  To answer or not to answer?  To talk to her or not to talk to her?  He wants to ignore it and let her think some more about their fight, think about what she said, and think about his point.  He wants more time to think for himself, but he loves her too much.  He reaches down for his phone to pick it out of the cup holder and bring it to his ear.  As soon as he takes his attention off the road, however, the car moves to the right.  Before he can reach his phone he has hit the gravel shoulder.  His car pulls sharply to the right and he immediately brings his hand back to the wheel and attempts to correct.  At two hundred miles per hour, though, he has no chance.  His attempt at a correction does nothing but bring the back end around causing the car to begin to go sideways at nearly two hundred miles per hour, a task it was not meant to handle.  But before the car can become completely sideways, the tires catch on the shoulder and the car begins to roll.  Everything is happening so fast that Frank’s mind cannot keep up.  The car continues to roll over and over until an old oak tree stops it.  The roll cage was not designed to hit trees at those speeds and the resulting injuries leave Frank barely conscious, but he is numb to the pain.

Thoughts race to his mind.  “I can’t find my phone,” he thinks, “Eveline will think I am ignoring her… My insurance is going to go way up after this…  How am I going to get to work tomorrow…?  What will Eveline think…?”  The song ends on his phone.   “What was she going to say…?  I need to feed Max…  What will he do if I don’t feed him soon…?  Did Eveline realize the error of her thinking…?  Is that why she called…?  How fast was I going…?  Did I hit two hundred…?  How am I going to take Eveline out if my car is broken…?  Will she be angry again…?  Where the heck is my phone…?  I should return her call…”  He hears a beep: One new voicemail.  He finds his phone on his passenger door.  “That’s strange…,” he muses as he looks out the window and sees the ground.  He picks up his phone and listens to the voicemail.  It’s Eveline.

“I can’t take it anymore, Frank,” she sobs, “I just can’t take it.  It’s over…”

“Oh,” he thinks, “okay…”  He slips into thought.  “I guess it was always coming…  It was just a matter of time…  I never really loved her anyway… She never loved me either…  There is no love…”  His thoughts turn.  “It’s cold in here…”  He reaches for the climate control, but notices blood dripping onto his passenger door.  “It sure is cold…  I hope that blood doesn’t stain, that would really make a nice car like this worth a lot less money…  I’m cold…  I’m cold… I miss Eveline…  I’m cold…  I hope that blood doesn’t stain…  I sure do love Eveline…” And with that, he thought no more.

But not because I’m not trying,

My soul’s on fire, heart is dying,

My mind is numb, my eyes are crying.

I try so hard to catch your fall,

But you hang up when I call,

You push me out through it all,

You make me feel 2 inches tall.

If I can’t help what can I do?

Made to serve, but can’t serve you,

Your pain hurts me, you have no clue,

Would you do what you do if you knew?

I start to stay, but then I go,

I pretend to know where I’m going,

My fear I hide, it’s not showing,

As I fall away in parallel,

I wonder if this could be hell,

Away from God I’m on my own,

I tried to call this world my home,

But this world is not my home,

It is not where I am from,

In this world I’m not to stay,

I will fly away someday.

The road I’m on I’ve seen before,

I don’t want to be here anymore,

It’s big and wide and it’s crowded,

But I don’t like where I am lead,

As I fall away in parallel,

I wonder if this could be hell,

Away from God I’m on my own,

I tried to call this world my home,

But this world is not my home,

It is not where I am from,

In this world I’m not to stay,

I will fly away someday.

The road is crowded, but I’m alone,

This will not lead me home,

I need to go back to the right path,

I need to come clean, take a bath.

As I fall away in parallel,

I wonder if this could be hell,

Away from God I’m on my own,

I tried to call this world my home,

But this world is not my home,

It is not where I am from,

In this world I’m not to stay,

I will fly away someday.

I’ve spent my whole life striving to achieve a higher standard of moral living than the world encourages.  I’ve spent my whole life trying to be a “good Christian” and avoid blows like this.  I’ve tried to defend myself.  And who can I tell?  Most of the world would think this was okay!  It’s a battle for me and not for them.  And of the people who would understand the magnitude of the act, who among them would not inwardly ridicule my weakness for getting hit and falling down like this.  I can scarcely make myself believe I fell, but I did and I can’t take it back now.  If only temptation wasn’t tempting!  If only fighting was easy!  How much sense would that make, though?  It would be so much easier.  I wouldn’t feel like this.  I am bruised and bleeding.

I am lost and I am alone.  The guilt is devouring me.  I desperately need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay, but that brings me back to the fact that no one will understand if I told them.  What can I do?  I need some sort of outlet.  Facebook.  Facebook has become a medium of communication that is easier than anything.  I can put anything on Facebook I want to and I can write it in such a way that no one will actually know what I did.  No one will know what this despicable deed was and how she hit me and knocked me down.  All they will know is that I messed up and I need their help.  I write the note and tag my closest Christian friends.  They will relate.   They have to.  I need them to.  I try to pray, but find myself unworthy and the words seem to fall flat as they enter my mind and exit my lips.  She must have broken my jaw, and jarred my mind loose.  God hears all, though.  Even me.  Right now, however, I don’t feel like that.  I am separated from God.  I can feel it.  I feel so lonely.  I resort to the easiest method of forgetting; sleep, unconsciousness.

The next morning I wake up unrested and still in a daze of wonder at my own weakness.  I have realized that it comes down to me.  My weakness made me fall.  I am at the center of my problems.  That doesn’t help my feelings of guilt at all.  I don’t live this day.  I pass through it.  Can anyone tell, though, or am I hiding it well enough?  I don’t hear the birds chirping and the squirrels in all of their gleeful, nonchalant glory are not so fun anymore.  Everything is a little bit darker.  My life is like a television whose color is off.   Nothing is as exciting as it used to be.  I am alone and the love around me is not recognized.  I drift through the day:  Zoology, nap, chemistry, Spanish, First Year Seminar.  Nothing is what it once was and these were already not the most fun activities I’ve had in my life.

I check my Facebook when I have time.  Life seems to revolve around Facebook these days.  I look at my note and there is one comment.  I click on the link that says read comments.  Who is this person?  Why are they reading my note?  I barely know her.  Oh well, that’s what I get for putting my struggle here.  I read her comment and realize that she has been here.  She knows how I feel.  At least she says she does.  I’m not sure, though, because she doesn’t know the enormity of what I have done.  The activities of the evening are a blur.  I don’t bother with homework because I don’t feel like it.  I need to go back to sleep.

I wake up the next morning and everything is the same as the previous.  I am not rested and I do not want to get up.  I would gladly waste my entire day in bed, but I have to go to work so that option is out of the question.  Work is already mundane and this fog that has taken over my life for the past several days has not enhanced the pleasure of being bored out of my mind.  I check my Facebook while at work.  There is nothing else to do there so this is perfectly okay.  Sometimes all I do at work is surf the web.  I click on the view comments link of my note and the comments pop up.  I have responses from my friends now:  My Christian friends who are stronger than me in their faith and their lives.  They don’t get hit like this.  They block these kind of shots.  They say things like, “We’ve all been there, things will get better,” and, “We are here for you, Avery.”  It is comforting to read and the haze around me lifts, but only a little bit.  Have they ever really been here?  Have they done what I’ve done?  I don’t think they realize how gigantic this is.  Work continues at a slower than average pace and is followed by a nap, then class.  All I do these days is go to work and class and sleep.  I feel unfulfilled.  I am bloody and bruised.

I am still in this daze I have been trapped in when I get a phone call from Todd.  Todd is the Youth for Christ leader in my area back home.  He has always been there for me when I need any kind of guidance and here he is again.  I think that this is what I really wanted when I posted that note of Facebook.  I wanted someone to reach out to me to show me love and here it is.  Todd asks me what’s wrong and I tell him.  I don’t tell him exactly what happened, but I let him know that I am troubled.  He tells me I am not alone.  There are people here for me.  Then he shocks me.  She didn’t hit you that hard.  He has more insight into my life than I do.  He always has the answers, though, and this is no different.  I thank Todd for his love and he wishes me well as the conversation comes to a close.  I think to myself that I wish I had the knowledge and faith that Todd has so that I could bless the lives of as many people as he does.  How did he know?  Of course I don’t have that knowledge or faith because if I did I would not be in the situation I am in now…  But wait!  Something he said has just clicked.  No matter how much faith or knowledge I have, I cannot ever do this alone.  I will always need the love and support of my friends and family.  Nothing will make me autonomous.  I will need their love to stay close to God and His love.  I am not alone.  And she didn’t hit me that hard.

I stood up.  I heard the birds chirp for the first time that week and I could see again.  The squirrels were chipper, the birds were singing again, and the sun was shining brilliantly.  What a glorious feeling that was.  I was reminded there is always another battle to fight.  When you get knocked down just get up and fight again.  Never stay down.

The good weather on Friday had already tried to help me out with moderate success and my mom helped even more.  We went out to lunch and talked about just about everything.  She helped me a lot.  I needed that.  When she left Sunday afternoon I was feeling a lot better, but I called the leader of my Bible study, anyway.  My mom told me to and I listen to my mom.  On Sunday night I got called into work.  I was not super happy about that, but I went.  My job is a joke that consists of me sitting on Facebook and doing nothing.  I was talking to some of my friends who were visiting me when I looked down at my computer screen.  I did a double-take.  It was still there.  The girl that one of my friends very cynically and sarcastically refers to as “dream girl” was chatting me up.  Oh dang.  She had never really talked to me much and, admittedly, is WAY out of my league so of course she has me enamored.  But she was talking to me.  I was feeling good.  Monday was pretty good.  I was still excited about talking to Ms. Right (okay.  I’m probably not going to marry or even date this girl, but I can dream) and I had lightened my class load by dropping genetics.  Now let the good times roll.

Tuesday was epic.  I talked to one of my friends who I rarely see and have probably only talked to in person once or twice and those were nothing serious.  This was serious.  She was having some hard times.  However, as the conversation progressed, she said a few things that I found extremely profound.  She told me that I made her want to be a better person and she told me that I make her want to be closer to Jesus.  The latter is the biggest compliment I think I could ever get and makes me want to draw closer to Jesus, too.  I always try to live my life in such a way that Jesus is represented in everything I do and I pray every night that it is so.  That was an awesome thing.  After my class that evening I talked to the leader of the Bible study I talked about.  We talked about a lot of different things.  We talked about the previous week and we talked about life in general.  We talked about my fraternity.  I told him that I have wanted to start a Bible study in the fraternity for a while, but had not got around to it yet.  He told me about his days in a fraternity and the Bible study he lead there.  The talk only lasted an hour or so, but it was epic.  God was doing work.  I had needed the input of an older Christian man and I had received it.  It was awesome.  On my way out of his house I heard my name called from the basement.  It was his daughter, dream girl if you will (coincidence?  God? Me still dreaming?), saying I should come hang out with the few people that were still around.  So I did.  Haha.  It was a good day.

The rest of the week continued to be good.  I was told that I am hot, a hot nerd, that I give the best hugs in the world, that I am one of the best people in the world, and the things my friend had told me on Tuesday.  I think all those things are debatable, but I enjoyed the compliments (most of which left me wondering how to respond…).  Even as I sat to write this I took a break because a friend of mine reached out to me on Facebook to talk about God.  She said she knew she could talk to me.  It was awesome.

Better than all these things, and involved in some of these things, is that God is working.  I can feel Him.  I don’t quite know what He is doing, but I know that something is going on.  I can’t wait to see where He takes it.  I want to go wherever He sends me.  I want to do things for Him.  I am closer to Him now than I have been in a long time.  I love it.  But please pray for me.  Complacency has brought me down from here before and I don’t want that to happen again.  Thanks for your prayers.